💀 Dying Every Day
Dying Every Day is a podcast by the Perennial Leader Project. Each episode turns a selected passage from Stoic philosophy into a guided meditation designed to help you (and me) learn how to live.
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Why You React to Insults (and How to Stop)
Welcome back to Dying Every Day. This is Day 130.
A single comment can change the entire outlook of your mind. A passing compliment brightens the day; a careless insult darkens it. Most of us move through life like leaves in the wind—lifted by approval, dropped by criticism.
Seneca understood this fragility. He shared this thought with his dear friend Lucilius:
The wise man is invulnerable to insult… He stands above both applause and condemnation, for he has placed his esteem not in the hands of others, but within his own soul, where honor is incorruptible and peace undisturbed.
Imagine yourself as a tree standing in an open field. The winds of opinion blow from all directions—sometimes warm, sometimes harsh, sometimes fierce. You cannot control the winds, but you can decide how deeply you root.
Seneca’s “invulnerability” is not about hardness; it’s about depth. It’s the decision to anchor your worth where passing weather cannot reach.
This wisdom appears vividly in a Buddhist teaching. When a furious man once insulted the Buddha, he asked him, “If someone offers you a gift and you do not accept it, to whom does the gift belong?” “To the one who offered it,” the man answered. “Then I refuse your insult,” said the Buddha, “and it remains yours.”
This is the same principle Seneca expresses: an insult only wounds when we accept it—when we internalize it. If we don’t pick it up, it cannot follow us.
Modern psychology also emphasizes the importance of this concept. Research on the internal versus external locus of evaluation (developed by the American psychologist Carl Rogers) shows that people who base their worth on external approval tend to experience more anxiety, emotional ups and downs, and self-doubt. Relying on others to define our value causes our sense of peace to fluctuate with forces beyond our control. However, those who develop an internal source of self-esteem—who judge themselves by their own principles—are more resilient, clear-minded, and calm.
In his book A Slap in the Face, the American philosopher William B. Irvine observes:
Most people are unhappy, the Stoics reasoned, because they have chosen the wrong values by which to live. In particular, they are unhappy because they value fame and fortune.
Irvine adds:
… people place great value on other people’s opinions of them. Insults hurt so much because they are reminders that our social standing is not as high as we would like it to be. As we have seen, our preoccupation with social standing is a consequence of our evolutionary past. Fortunately for us, though, it is possible to override much of this evolutionary programming and thereby gain greater happiness and fulfillment.
This is why the Stoics encourage us to find inner stability. However, keep in mind that they are not suggesting we should ignore the world or act as if words can't hurt us. Instead, avoid building your home in places easily destroyed by the world. Praise is nice, but it doesn’t last. Criticism can be painful, but it doesn’t have to define who you are.
The wise person takes both lightly—not out of indifference, but out of understanding.
The real work isn't about avoiding praise or criticism. It’s about observing what happens inside you when they come. Notice your slight lean forward when someone approves. Notice your quiet shrinkage when someone disapproves. These movements reveal where you've placed your self-esteem.
Seneca invites us to move it—to place it somewhere safer, deeper, quieter. Not in the shifting hands of other people, but in the integrity of our own actions. Not in what the crowd thinks of us, but in whether we remained true to ourselves.
When your worth lives there, insults lose their sting. Praise loses its chains. You start to navigate the world not like a leaf carried by the wind, but as something rooted—stable, grounded, and unaffected by the weather.
Reflection Exercise
Close your eyes and recall a recent moment when someone’s comment—sharp, subtle, or careless—affected you.
Don’t analyze yet. Just observe:
Where did the reaction appear first?
Your chest? Abdomen? Jaw?
What was the first emotion—hurt, anger, embarrassment?
The body often reacts with the mind. Noticing the “first ripple” teaches you that reactions are movements, not truths.
Now ask, “What part of this reaction belongs to me, and what part belongs to their opinion?”
It’s worth noting that insults usually only land where we are already tender.
Consider journaling on this:
What part of me felt threatened by this comment?
What deeper fear did it touch—failure, inadequacy, rejection, or being misunderstood?
Naming the wound helps transform unconscious reactions into a deeper conscious understanding, fostering healing and growth.
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Thank you for reading/listening; I hope you found something useful.
Until next time, be wise and be well.
J.W.
P.S. Catch up on recent (and past) meditations in the archive!
Your post has genuinely changed the negative things I’ve been carrying inside. Thank you so much for writing it. It really means a lot to me